Today is 3rd October 2014.
It has been for 3 months,1 days ,and 10 hours. I am not willing to count for minutes and seconds.
And I still can weep when I remember her, or even say her name.
It is still hard for me to write about her in my essay using past tense. At last, I could just cry reading my essay which full of grammar errors.
For almost every second, I remember her, in everything I do in my every usual day, I will remember her. When somebody encourage me and told me to be positive, I could not mention any name except hers.
How much I wish to do every happy things in this world with her. She hates to see my tears, so I don't want she know my sadness and problems. I won't. I will take good care of her, make her happy, study together,laugh together , struggle for SPM this year together , go to Darul Quran together , receive our result together , and be the TFTN's volunteers together as what we have promised last year.
I do remember that moment.
How much our excitement to help the nation, with our little hands and our small efforts.
I do remember our plans on that time.
And how much I miss that moment.
Yet, I can only miss that moment.
She has gone. To Him. The One she has always loved the most more than anything in this world.
My heart wrenched. I took a long time to believe and accept. And let her go.
I can't stop my tears from wet my shirt when I read our message in the end of 2013.
"I want to meet you on the first school day!! I miss you!!=)"
"I am sorry, but I might not coming to school on the first day"
"alaaaa~~~whyyy???"
"huhu..I'm sorry.. but what is important, I want to meet you in the heaven"
I couldn't hold my tears.
For the first week she gone, it was hard. Even to smile. Because she has always ask me to smile. She is the only one who bravely forcing me to smile on my moody time.
It was even hard to breath, to remember what teacher Shima told me,
"Zul, Mardhiyyah bagitau cikgu Nazahah asyik cite psl awak aje. awak ziarah x hari tu?"
My heart broke into pieces. I don't know how to react. I could just put a little smile, and shake my head. And when I sure she had walk away, I burst into tears. I sobbed quite loud, it's hurt. Damn hurt.
It was my fault for not stay with her when she need me.
It was my fault..for not remember her as much as she does.
It was my fault..for not loving her as much as she loves me.
And I should be killed for that.
I was late to tell her that I loved her. And I was damn late. I am a bullshit. Once I thought, I will be grateful if there's someone who willing to kill me for not appreciating her.
But it's crazy. And idiot. I know.
But there's nothing which make me getting stronger and tougher.
It was not her, but Allah , who makes my life beautiful with her presence.
It was Him who taught me to be strong and live my life and shine the world.
Dearest Nazahah, we once have dreamed together, to help the nation and the ummah. For now, you have gone, but our dream will be a reality. Which it had become my obligation to fulfill our promises. And I won't do it alone. I wish to spread your inspiration to the world, and I will.
I believe you are happy now,that you are close to Him, you don't have to suffer anymore like all you have been through before.
Please Allah, I believe You are The Only One who deserve to give her the happines and joy, so please Allah, I beg to you, please grant her Your beautiful heaven and give her the syahid rewards as what she had always wish for.
And Allah, I couldn't ask for more, I only want You to guide me to the true path and please, gather us together again in Your heaven. Aminn..
Nazahah, my beloved. My love for you is not as huge as yours to me. I am sorry for not be a best and the best friend to you as you did for me. But I hope, and really hope that you are still willing to wait for me in the heaven.
My journey will be long, and I am expecting an adventure and challenging journey, since for now Allah gives me some trial, apparent or inner side. Your leaving is also a big trial for me, since I had never ready nor expecting to face any death.
He wants me to be matured. And I will.
So please,
Wait for me.
